Do I have your attention? I'm looking for my guy readers.. although my ladies might have something to add to this as well...
First off, let me just start by saying (in a petting, sympathetic voice) "Poor neglected baby blog". I'm going to give you some love today. I've missed you, but am thankful for the things that have taken me away from you..
Okay, now for the dirty dirt-ay.
Hopefully I will have some guys read this- it promises to be beneficial to you. I'm sure it won't get the same amount of hits as the BOOB blog, but hey- not everything can be about boobs.
Thirteen things guys should know about girls. This will make your life easier. Read it, memorize it, and apply it to your everyday life. If you do, you will reap MANY benefits- in and out of the bedroom. (and FYI- there is life outside the bedroom. Sheesh!)
1. When a girl asks "does this make me look fat?" Have some tact. Of course we don't want you to say "HOLY CRAP! Your a$$ looks GINORMOUS!" but we do want your honest (filtered) opinion. Most of the time we're not asking because we're fishing- we're asking because we want to look our best when we leave the house. We're looking for our best friend inside you. We're looking for the "ya know, it's not that it makes you look fat, but it doesn't do justice to your ROCKIN' booty". Is that so hard? It's not a trick question, it's just a tricky answer. One wrong move and you'll end up not seeing that booty for a few weeks. Play your cards right and you'll have more booty than you can handle. Easy breezy mac and cheesy.
2. Undergarments are for us, not you...well, sort of. Push up bras, spanx, thongs... Sure, they benefit your visual senses, but really we are just trying to look our best IN clothes. More cleavage, less muffin top, getting rid of VPL (visible pantie lines).. we're just trying to get out of the house looking like the airbrushed models that you find so attractive. (even though you say you would rather a "natural" girl- we all know what VISUALLY turns you on is perfection). So throw us a bone. Give a compliment, even if you know that when we take it all off, we're a saggy, droopy mess. And then throw us another bone when we take it all off. You love the "au naturale" we are anyway..
3. When we repeat what we say a hundred times during an argument, we are not nagging.. we are just not feeling acknowledged. Take a minute to think about what it is that we're saying over and over. We repeat because it seems like you're not hearing us. Be the grown up, suck it up, HEAR us and address what it is. Trust me. This is not an easy one, and sometimes we act like babies.. That doesn't give you an excuse to stoop. We'll stop our tantrum a lot quicker if you just LISTEN.
4. On our wedding video, Mike's brother gave us some advice and it was the best advice (for guys). His brother said that any argument can be avoided with two words "Yes. Dear". So true. "Why don't we do it this (my) way" "yes dear". "Let's eat at this place" "yes dear". "Can you take the kids so I can take a shower?" "yes dear"... See how easy that is? Soon there will be a whole planet of Stepford Husbands. Perfectly simple. When in doubt, just say it. It will shock your wife's pants off. (and yes, most of these suggestions will land you more bedroom time with the ladies- and after all, isn't that what you really want?!)
5. Don't give us all of the power and then balk when we use it. Don't have us be responsible for the kids, the house, the bills, whatever, and then get mad when you do it different than we would and we call you out on it. Most times the "house" duties belong to us, and when you chip in to help and we "tell" you how it should be done. We're not trying to be bossy- or micromanage (okay, sometimes we are..). Most of the time we are simply letting you know how WE do it. More times than not, we've got it down to a smooth-sailing science, and we're just letting you know that. Give us some credit. We know that life is not going to fall apart if things are done your way- deep inside, we get it. But it's still hard to watch someone else do your job different than how you do it. Take your job for example. If someone came in and did it completely different than you- wouldn't you want to say something? Something like "Dude, are you kidding me? Why would you do it that way?" Even if the end result is similar. If you were a surgeon, and a landscaper came in to do surgery, wouldn't you be like "um...are you seriously going to use a chainsaw to make that incision?" The end result is a cut, but the process is vastly different. Understand?
6. Little things go a long way. Less leads to more. Unspoken tasks lead to sex. Yadigg? Take out the trash, change a poopy diaper, hold the door, make dinner. Ca-ching, ca-ching, ca-ching.. deposits in the love bank.
7. We get clingy when we feel you pulling away. Think about when you're totally focused on something other than us.. Whether it be TV, football, movie, chores, whatever. If we feel like what you are doing is more important than us, we'll start to chat it up with you- or interrupt. Make time during the commercial, halftime, pause the movie, put down the rake- just recognize that we are present. That's all. It's very simple. The more you act like we're bugging you, the harder we'll try. So just concede. A little. It's okay to have testosterone time- just make sure the estrogen in your life knows that she's still numero uno.
8. Surprise us. Flowers (even hand picked ones), a card (even a post-it note), a car wash, a made bed, a Starbucks, muffin.. whatever. Just surprise us with something that we like once in a while. HUGE deposit in the love bank. Now, on the other hand, don't surprise us if we're not prepared. Don't have a surprise party for us when we just roll out of bed.. that will not go over well. You will not see booty for years with that one. Surprise times are the only times that little lies are acceptable. And only if they are for the greater good. Involve girlfriends if need be. They are your best resource.
9. No, we won't sleep with our best friend for you. Stop asking. We don't want to think about you thinking about her. Ever. Period. Fantasize all you want in your mind- but don't tell us.
10. Stop the primordial grunting when a Victoria Secret commercial comes on or a hot chick is on TV/movie/ walks by, etc.. It's juvenile and hurts our feelings. We recognize they are hot- but c'mon.. when you grunt, it makes us think that's what you want. We know that that's not what we are, so we are confused. Give us the grunt or keep it to yourself.
11. Compliments are awesome- especially when they are genuine. "You look hot", "This meal is great!", "you do a great job with everything you do". Be sincere and recognize that we try hard to be good at many things, and a lot of those things don't get credit. However, don't overdo it.. especially if you've not been doing it. Small steps. Otherwise we won't buy it.
12. For every "high maintenance" girl out there, there is someone who is even higher maintenance. If you can imagine that. So, when you think you're living with a diva, just know that there is someone out there demanding room temperature Evian, salad with 42 different kinds of lettuce from every corner of the planet, 4000 thread count sheets, 17 carat diamonds and Swarovsky studded panty-liners. You've got it pretty easy. Now love the one you're with.
13. Understand that almost every girl has a "Red Zone". This is the week prior to Mother Nature's gift. It is a free pass to act like an insane person, snap, nap, complain, groan, moan, and give the silent treatment. You have NO idea what's going on inside of our body. Let us have these few days. Don't aggravate, irritate, or argue. You won't win, you're not right, and we don't want to hear anything you have to say. And please don't ask us if we have our period or refer in anyway to "the rag". That will only seal your fate. Best advice here is just to "yes dear" us. Thanks.
It may seem like we are a species of our own, difficult to understand, and maneuver. It's not true. We may be complicated, but so are electronics. The only difference is, they come with a manual, we don't. But just because we don't have a "troubleshooting" section to refer to, it doesn't mean that you'll never understand us. These tips are not just for you to change- we don't want that. We just want you to "get" us. Even just TRY to "get" us. Don't try to fix what isn't broken. Sometimes we just want you to listen, and HEAR us. Get this, and get more out of your relationship. Promise.
Oh- one more thing. Do NOT buy appliances for ANY special occasion. Unless specifically asked for. Nobody wants a hand vac on Valentine's day. Nobody wants a blender for their birthday. Again, unless that's the only thing that she asks for. Save the toaster oven for an impulse buy on that random Tuesday trip to Walmart. Trust me on this one.
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