I so wanted to blog last night, but we recently had our wireless network "reworked" and the laptop could not find the connection. I had so much going through my head....... oh well. Let's hope I can pull it from the abyss of my brain and type it out this early morning..
Thirteen Things that my kids say/have said that have
a. cracked me up
b. SHOCKED me
c. mortified me or
d. a combination of the above
I love how free kids are with their speech. They have no idea. Their little mouths just flow like lava, and even when they don't even know what they are saying, they look for a reaction from others.
Connor, our oldest, has always been smart. He's a wise soul in a little body (even moreso a wisenheimer-no clue where he gets THAT from) and questions EVERYTHING. We imagine he will probably fall into the category of lawyer or judge when he grows up. He's our local law enforcement agent, making sure everyone (except for himself) stays in line. Presently, he's known around these parts for making sure that people excuse themselves after passing gas- oral or anal (it's my blog, I can say "anal" if I want to). He's very persistent with it, and although, "YAY" for manners, "BOO" for driving us all crazy with it. So coming in at #13 is:
13. "Say excuse me".."SAY excuse me!".. ""say EXCUSE me!".. "SAY EXCUSE ME!"
FINE! Excuse me! Geez- just leave it alone already. And give someone a chance to say it on their own.
(ps I don't HAVE gas. so he's never saying this to me)
Chloe spoke real early- using big words from the time she was a teeny munchkin. Being the angel in a family of devils is hard work. Although I have always said, the only thing that keeps her halo on is her horns. She's not evil, never has been- but she does wear the crown well. When I was pregnant for Cooper, she was hoping he was a girl, and I kept saying "the crown is only big enough for one head". So true. I think she will do just fine being the only girl in a sea of boys. With that being said- Connor went to school first, and I knew that kids come home with things from school that *SHOCK* you- and dirty words are learned, etc. We were expecting him to come home with something first. Well, Chloe was in her first year of preschool- so she was 3 and we were all sitting down for supper. I was serving, and I put the plate of food in front of her and she said (coming in at #12)
12. "What the HELL is this?"
Now we don't swear, and she'd only been exposed to preschool (I'm pretty sure they stay far away from the 7 dirty words) and so this came as a shock to us. She had no idea what she had even said. I lost it, laughing so hard I was crying and had to leave the table. Mike was such a trooper- kept his composure until I got back, excused himself and had a good laugh in the other room. To this day, I think that line had been engraved in my brain as one of the funniest things ever said by a toddler. 4 years later, and it's still got me chuckling.
Might as well go in order here.. Collin is our sweet one. Sure he's got his moments, but he'll run up to me just to tell me he loves me, he's very cuddly. Most of the time he's polite and thanks to Connor, he always says "excuse me". Well, he had gotten some money and wanted to buy something at Target. We went through the line, and the cashier was commenting on how well behaved he was. Collin was using his manners, please and thank you.. adorable. After the cashier finished checking us out, he handed Collin the bag and without hesitation, Collin said:
11. "Thanks....ya big FATTY!"
Crickets. I was mortified. The man wasn't even fat- so it's not like he was being insulting (thank goodness) but still. "ya big FATTY?" Where on earth??? We had a talk all the way to the swagger wagon about that one. (Don't think I didn't laugh in my sleeve though...)
Cole is our big bear. He's a BRUI-SER and I do believe he'll be destined for football greatness. He's all out- rough and tumble, but wrapped up in sweetness. He'll come at you full charge like a bulldozer. At the same time, he's the best snugger- and cuddles like nobodys business. He's also funny. These kids, come up with these things.... I told Cole he needed a hair cut, and what does he say?
10. "No mum, I don't have time".
Seriously? You just turned THREE. All you have is time. In his mind, he's dead serious. Toys await, haircut will have to reschedule.
Cooper is too little to say anything sarcastic or embarassing, although his first word (aside from da-da) was
Clear as day. I grew him in my womb from a cell into a full sized baby, nurse him from the breast and who does he give his first props to? THE DOG? Yeeeooooooowwwwch. "Pep-per". Thanks.
Words are part of our every day. Can't do much without them, this blog would be nonexistent (can you IMAGINE? Oh the horror). Thankfully we have words, and I can entertain with them.
Connor, as previously mentioned, is the local law enforcement. He governs the littler ones. Who am I kidding? He governs (or tries to anyway) everyone in the family. First in line to tattle, first in line to point the finger, you get the point. He is very aware of things that are not kosher. For example, he will break out in a cold sweat if a movie has a "cuss" word in it. He will have to leave the room. However, he is fascinated by them, and does what he can to point them out. He's curious as to which words are okay to say, and likes to ask about everything. The word du jour is
8. "Ball sack".
Apparently Connor asked Mike if that was a bad word, Mike said no, Connor asked if he could say it, Mike said "I suppose". Now Connor takes that, engraves it in stone, and decides it's best to teach Collin to say it. So yesterday, Collin kept saying "ball sack" over and over and over. REALLY? Now I grew up- only child, single mom. Very female environment. We weren't loud, we weren't gassy, and we certainly didn't go around shouting "ball sack". I grew up using proper names for everything- and I even had an anatomically correct boy doll so I could learn the "parts". I think his name was Peter. NO LIE. But even now, as a mom, I encourage the kids to call a spade, a spade- or in this case, a penis, a penis, but I'm not sure of the technical term for ball sack. !?!??! I told Connor it was okay to say in an emergency- which hopefully doesn't translate into 911 "BALL SACK" calls...
I don't even think this next one deserves an intro
7. "Well, how do YOU know?!?".
Infuriating. I know because I'm 30 yrs older than you and I just know. OKAY? O.K.A.Y. Geez Louise.
Everything in Phoenix is new- relatively. I mean if you think about the state only being 98 years old.. It's very new. We don't have centurian homes, we don't have much history.. When we visit back east, everyone lives in an older home, things are "historical" and it's new to the kids. Connor is 8, and the two houses he's ever lived in have been brand spanking new. Most of our friends and family have homes that are around 10 yrs old. 25 yrs for a home is old. Shopping centers are new, when an area gets "old" and rundown, new areas are built. On a trip back east, we were staying with my aunt- she lives in a very old house- they are always updating it. It's charming, very different from the homes here. Just about everyone that we visit has an "older" home.. older fixtures, older appliances. Well during our last trip back, Miss Chloe said
6. "Is everyone here POOR?" No honey, they aren't all poor- they just have historical homes.
Beyond the circle of my family, I have been shocked, surprised and amused by people saying dumb things to me over the years. I used to work retail, and people would be looking for a certain size. Lets use, for example, shoes in a size 7. This is TYPICAL and anyone who has ever worked retail can relate to this...
Customer "Do you have these in a size 7?"
Me "Let me check"
Me "No, we have a 6 1/2 and a 7 1/2"
Customer "Oh, you don't have a 7?"
Me "Nooo, we have a 6 1/2 or a 7 1/2".
Customer "So, you don't have a 7?"
Me "No, did you want to try the 6 1/2 or the 7 1/2?"
Customer "You're sure you don't have a 7?"
Me "let me just check one more time"
This is about the point that I pretend the past exchange has never happened, I go into the back, use a sharpie marker to change the size on the box and inside the shoe, tell them I actually DID indeed have a 7, sell them the too small 6 1/2, make my sales goal and move on to the next victim. Suckahhhhhhh!
I don't have anything more. For those of you who have made it this far.. thank you and good day.
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