What's it all about?

It's a little about me and my five sugar cubes.
Never a dull moment.
Sit down, buckle up and enjoy the ride....

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Shut the front door... Thirteen on Thursday ACTUALLY on Thursday?

Last I checked, pigs weren't flying, monkeys weren't coming out of my bum, and hell hadn't frozen over. However, despite all of the busy-ness I'm wallowing in right now, I decided to blog.

I didn't think it was fair for me to list 13 things for dudes and leave it at that. We ladies could use a few tips on gents too.. After all, realistic expectations are the keys to ultimate happiness.

So here is my Thirteen on Thursday, actually on Thursday.. and it's 13 things we ladies could learn about dudes.

1. It's best to understand that Dudes are wired completely different than we are. Actually, while we are complexly "wired", they have ONE wire- that leads from the brain to the penis. It's like a monorail- it might make stops along the way, but it basically has two destinations and they are on the same path.

2. First stop on the monorail? The PENTHOUSE. Guys are VISUAL. They aren't turned on by what they can't see. Hence, the success of the "gentleman's" (ahem-debatable) club, girlie mags, Internet porn, Victoria's Secret commercials. (insert grunt here). Throw your man a bone(r) and give him something to look at. He'd rather look at you anyway. And if he's not giving you the attention that you need? Nagging ain't gonna change that. But I'm guessing wearing nothing but a smile and some stilettos will do just the trick.

3. Next stop? Honey's Diner. One of the stops along the Male Monorail just happens to be at the belly. Most guys eat- and many enjoy it. Find something that your guy loves, and learn how to make it the best. Find a recipe that he grew up on and make it your own. Why do you think there are recipes out there for "Engagement Chicken" and "Get in my beddy Spaghetti"? Guys make a connection between food and comfort and happiness. Just don't pick something that his mother is famous for- especially if she's still around. First of all, you'll never make it as good as she can (and either one or both might just tell you that) and you don't want him thinking of his mom while he's enjoying the fruits (meats, vegetables, potatoes) of your labor.

4. Caution: ONE WAY TUNNEL ahead.. Guys + multitasking is like a clown with no arms trying to juggle. It's nearly impossible. This is due to their simple wiring. Don't expect them to be able to feed a baby, cook supper, talk on the phone, knit a sweater, help with homework, bake cupcakes and do it all while looking fabulous. Expect one, maybe two things to get done simultaneously. If you leave him in charge of the kids- understand that if you return and the kids are alive and accounted for, he did a good job. If you leave him in charge of supper- understand that when you return, supper might be on the table, but you might be short a few kids. I'm not saying that there is not the exception to the rule- there always is (and I just happened to be married to him) but for the most part- it's ONE MAN-ONE TASK. Basically it's an unspoken rule. Adjust your expectations and you will never be let down.

5. Next stop? Home Depot. Guys are natural FIXERS. The car breaks down? They try to fix it. Leaky pipes? Fix it. Loose screw? Fix it. Fix. Fix. Fix. Apparently they have a hardware store along their monorail line.  Guys don't understand that we are not an appliance in need of fixing. We are sad, they want to fix us. We have a bad day they want to fix it. We get mad at someone they want to beat them up. They have a hard time understanding that emotions can't be patched up with duct tape. It's okay though- that's what girlfriends are for. Don't get all emotional with your man and then expect him to get out the tissues, the blanket, a tub of Ben & Jerry's and snuggle up to Pretty Woman with you. It's not going to happen. He's going to offer suggestions, try and fix it and you're going to want him to shut up and hug. Call a friend. Let the man get back to fixing something.

6. Next stop? Vanity Fair. Guys need compliments too. While a guy won't come out and say "does this make me look fat?" he really doesn't want to look like a schlep when he leaves the house. Even if he says he doesn't care- he cares, a little. If you don't want to pick out his clothes, then make SUBTLE suggestions. After all- like it or not- he's a direct reflection of us lady-folk. Let's not let our men walk out the door with athletic pants, black socks and sandals on. It's not pretty. Let's help a brother out.

7. Next stop? The Price is Right. (or The Price is Good Enough).. Most guys don't like to shop. Especially COMPARISON shop. Yeeeeooooowwwch! That's the worst. Expect that if you ask him to get you something from the store, he's going to walk in, grab the first thing he sees that fits the bill- price be damned- pay and walk out. Badabing. Done and Done. Why ya gonna get in a tizzy because he didn't clip the coupon, read the unit pricing and mull over 10 brands of which walnuts to get? He may not have done it how YOU would, but you got your nuts, right? Don't drive yourself nuts trying to make him do it like you would.

8. Next stop? Appreciation Station. Guys are macho- and don't want to admit that they need kudos. But that doesn't mean they don't WANT them and won't accept them.  When is the last time you told your man he did a great job on something? He works hard, acknowledge. He does stuff around the house? Aknowledge. He tried? Acknowledge. You like it, why wouldn't he? Start small, don't go overboard- again, it will not seem genuine if all of a sudden you are all up in his grill about how "GREAT" he is.

9. Next stop? Testosterone Town. Let him have the time he needs to do what he needs to do. I know it sounds contradictory, but in actuality, if you let him have the time to get his things done, he will be so appreciative it will come back around to you. Let him do the guy things he wants to do- watch football, bike ride- fix stuff around the house. And don't get me wrong- I don't think this should take up every spare second of time.. but if you give, he will give back. Bring him a drink while he's working, pick up a hammer, sit down and watch the game with him. Don't be annoying or pesty though- that will backfire. He will find a million tasks to do to stay away from you if you are on him like a fruit fly. Just be chill.

10. Next stop? Gift Gallery. Okay ladies.. here is where the men need help. (refer to #7). Guys don't like to shop. Why are you going to be disappointed when you don't get what you want for Christmas, your birthday, Valentine's Day, etc...? Be SPECIFIC. S-P-E-L-L it out if you have to. Don't just ASSuME that your dude knows what it is you are DYING for. You might have mentioned it 50 times, but chances are you mentioned it during football, the fixing of something, or a Victoria's Secret commercial- in which case, you might as well said you were running off with Stan the Mailman. He didn't hear you. Save yourself some aggravation- make him a list, and let him know that the ONLY thing you would like is (insert 'must have' gift here). The other option is to have a girlfriend give him a hint, a heads up or offer to buy it for him and he can pay her back. Easy..

11. Next stop? Handsy Pantsy. Guys have a package- they like to make sure it's still there. Often. Who cares. If our junk was on the outside, I'm pretty sure most of us would be copping a feel every now and then too. We're just jealous because we can't be as blatant about it. It would be AWK-WARD to be in line at the grocery store checking to make sure that our vulva was still in tact. However, guys can check, adjust, grope, feel, and it's fine. They aren't groping someone else- they own the goods, let them feel it. What's the big deal.

12. Next stop? Naghead City. Guys have limits. Guys have triggers. Guys have tempers. Most often, guys keep them in check. There are times (and this is a slippery slope) when guys reach their limits, most times because we lady-types push their triggers and they lose their tempers. Now, I am in NO way condoning or excusing abusive behavior- and this is where the fine line comes in... we push buttons, guys stuff their emotions down to spare our feelings. Those emotions get packed down like gun powder until BAM! POW! Explosion. Now a guy might hollar, throw a temper tantrum and get angry.. but we have to understand and accept our responsibility in it. AGAIN- to reiterate, I must say that it is NEVER NEVER NEVER okay to hit, threaten, abuse (mentally or physically) a woman/child/man/animal..EVER in any way.. Also, abuse is NEVER the victims fault. EVER. PERIOD. that's not what I'm talking about here... What I'm talking about is our responsibility in backing our men into a corner and just expecting them to take it and back down quietly. That's not how they work. We can't just say whatever we want to a guy and expect him to take it lying down. (Unless that's the game you're playing..*cheesey grin*).  Maybe it's best that we stop hounding, and understand the power that we have to push their buttons. Maybe we should pick up on their clues when they are trying to walk away and we follow them trying to get our point across. Let them be, the issues will still be there later. Sometimes guys just need some time to calm down. Don't get all big in your man's face and then when he gets mad call "foul" or dirty fighting. Check yourself. How are YOU handling the situation?!?.

13. Last stop? The Red Light District.  Sex. He wants it- probably more than you. Take one for the team once in a while. You'll always be too tired, too headachey, too busy, too mad, too whatever. Really? Chances are, when you first got together you couldn't get enough of each other. Wasn't that a good feeling? Try to get that back..... it will enrich BOTH of your lives. (And it's a better outlet for that packed down gun powder than the alternative.).

I hope the message that you take from this, is that really your relationship is simply based on expectations, accepting responsibility and understanding. It's all give and take.

Now go spell something out for your man. Speak slowly, wear something sexy and simmer something on the stove..

Monday, December 20, 2010

Thirteen on Thursday actually on Monday... Calling all DUDES. *HOT NAKED CHICKS* Get yer freak on this holiday season..

Do I have your attention?  I'm looking for my guy readers.. although my ladies might have something to add to this as well...

First off, let me just start by saying (in a petting, sympathetic voice)  "Poor neglected baby blog". I'm going to give you some love today. I've missed you, but am thankful for the things that have taken me away from you..

Okay, now for the dirty dirt-ay.

Hopefully I will have some guys read this- it promises to be beneficial to you. I'm sure it won't get the same amount of hits as the BOOB blog, but hey- not everything can be about boobs.

Thirteen things guys should know about girls. This will make your life easier. Read it, memorize it, and apply it to your everyday life. If you do, you will reap MANY benefits- in and out of the bedroom. (and FYI- there is life outside the bedroom. Sheesh!)

1. When a girl asks "does this make me look fat?" Have some tact. Of course we don't want you to say "HOLY CRAP! Your a$$ looks GINORMOUS!" but we do want your honest (filtered) opinion. Most of the time we're not asking because we're fishing- we're asking because we want to look our best when we leave the house. We're looking for our best friend inside you. We're looking for the "ya know, it's not that it makes you look fat, but it doesn't do justice to your ROCKIN' booty". Is that so hard? It's not a trick question, it's just a tricky answer. One wrong move and you'll end up not seeing that booty for a few weeks. Play your cards right and you'll have more booty than you can handle. Easy breezy mac and cheesy.

2. Undergarments are for us, not you...well, sort of. Push up bras, spanx, thongs... Sure, they benefit your visual senses, but really we are just trying to look our best IN clothes. More cleavage, less muffin top, getting rid of VPL (visible pantie lines).. we're just trying to get out of the house looking like the airbrushed models that you find so attractive. (even though you say you would rather a "natural" girl- we all know what VISUALLY turns you on is perfection). So throw us a bone. Give a compliment, even if you know that when we take it all off, we're a saggy, droopy mess. And then throw us another bone when we take it all off. You love the "au naturale" we are anyway..

3. When we repeat what we say a hundred times during an argument, we are not nagging.. we are just not feeling acknowledged. Take a minute to think about what it is that we're saying over and over. We repeat because it seems like you're not hearing us. Be the grown up, suck it up, HEAR us and address what it is. Trust me. This is not an easy one, and sometimes we act like babies.. That doesn't give you an excuse to stoop. We'll stop our tantrum a lot quicker if you just LISTEN.

4. On our wedding video, Mike's brother gave us some advice and it was the best advice (for guys). His brother said that any argument can be avoided with two words "Yes. Dear". So true. "Why don't we do it this (my) way" "yes dear". "Let's eat at this place" "yes dear". "Can you take the kids so I can take a shower?" "yes dear"...  See how easy that is? Soon there will be a whole planet of Stepford Husbands.  Perfectly simple. When in doubt, just say it. It will shock your wife's pants off. (and yes, most of these suggestions will land you more bedroom time with the ladies- and after all, isn't that what you really want?!)

5. Don't give us all of the power and then balk when we use it. Don't have us be responsible for the kids, the house, the bills, whatever, and then get mad when you do it different than we would and we call you out on it. Most times the "house" duties belong to us, and when you chip in to help and we "tell" you how it should be done. We're not trying to be bossy- or micromanage (okay, sometimes we are..). Most of the time we are simply letting you know how WE do it. More times than not, we've got it down to a smooth-sailing science, and we're just letting you know that. Give us some credit. We know that life is not going to fall apart if things are done your way- deep inside, we get it. But it's still hard to watch someone else do your job different than how you do it. Take your job for example. If someone came in and did it completely different than you- wouldn't you want to say something? Something  like "Dude, are you kidding me? Why would you do it that way?" Even if the end result is similar. If you were a surgeon, and a landscaper came in to do surgery, wouldn't you be like "um...are you seriously going to use a chainsaw to make that incision?" The end result is a cut, but the process is vastly different. Understand?

6. Little things go a long way. Less leads to more. Unspoken tasks lead to sex. Yadigg? Take out the trash, change a poopy diaper, hold the door, make dinner. Ca-ching, ca-ching, ca-ching.. deposits in the love bank.

7. We get clingy when we feel you pulling away. Think about when you're totally focused on something other than us.. Whether it be TV, football, movie, chores, whatever. If we feel like what you are doing is more important than us, we'll start to chat it up with you- or interrupt. Make time during the commercial, halftime, pause the movie, put down the rake- just recognize that we are present. That's all. It's very simple. The more you act like we're bugging you, the harder we'll try. So just concede. A little. It's okay to have testosterone time- just make sure the estrogen in your life knows that she's still numero uno.

8. Surprise us. Flowers (even hand picked ones), a card (even a post-it note), a car wash, a made bed, a Starbucks, muffin.. whatever. Just surprise us with something that we like once in a while. HUGE deposit in the love bank. Now, on the other hand, don't surprise us if we're not prepared. Don't have a surprise party for us when we just roll out of bed.. that will not go over well. You will not see booty for years with that one. Surprise times are the only times that little lies are acceptable. And only if they are for the greater good. Involve girlfriends if need be. They are your best resource.

9. No, we won't sleep with our best friend for you. Stop asking. We don't want to think about you thinking about her. Ever. Period. Fantasize all you want in your mind- but don't tell us.

10. Stop the primordial grunting when a Victoria Secret commercial comes on or a hot chick is on TV/movie/ walks by, etc.. It's juvenile and hurts our feelings. We recognize they are hot- but c'mon.. when you grunt, it makes us think that's what you want. We know that that's not what we are, so we are confused. Give us the grunt or keep it to yourself.

11. Compliments are awesome- especially when they are genuine. "You look hot", "This meal is great!", "you do a great job with everything you do". Be sincere and recognize that we try hard to be good at many things, and a lot of those things don't get credit. However, don't overdo it.. especially if you've not been doing it. Small steps. Otherwise we won't buy it.

12. For every "high maintenance" girl out there, there is someone who is even higher maintenance. If you can imagine that. So, when you think you're living with a diva, just know that there is someone out there demanding room temperature Evian, salad with 42 different kinds of lettuce from every corner of the planet, 4000 thread count sheets, 17 carat diamonds and Swarovsky studded panty-liners. You've got it pretty easy. Now love the one you're with.

13. Understand that almost every girl has a "Red Zone". This is the week prior to Mother Nature's gift. It is a free pass to act like an insane person, snap, nap, complain, groan, moan, and give the silent treatment. You have NO idea what's going on inside of our body. Let us have these few days. Don't aggravate, irritate, or argue. You won't win, you're not right, and we don't want to hear anything you have to say. And please don't ask us if we have our period or refer in anyway to "the rag". That will only seal your fate. Best advice here is just to "yes dear" us. Thanks.

It may seem like we are a species of our own, difficult to understand, and maneuver. It's not true. We may be complicated, but so are electronics. The only difference is, they come with a manual, we don't. But just because we don't have a "troubleshooting" section to refer to, it doesn't mean that you'll never understand us. These tips are not just for you to change- we don't want that. We just want you to "get" us. Even just TRY to "get" us. Don't try to fix what isn't broken. Sometimes we just want you to listen, and HEAR us. Get this, and get more out of your relationship. Promise.

Oh- one more thing. Do NOT buy appliances for ANY special occasion. Unless specifically asked for. Nobody wants a hand vac on Valentine's day. Nobody wants a blender for their birthday. Again, unless that's the only thing that she asks for. Save the toaster oven for an impulse buy on that random Tuesday trip to Walmart. Trust me on this one.